emergency room.

today i remembered i needed a tetnese shot.
why you ask
b.c i was carving out a mold of a penis while talking on the phone with my crush.
and
well the sharp rusty scraper... dumb idea in the first place..
assualted my left fleshy thumb.
emergency. emergency.
where do i go. what do i do
it was eleven pm at sschool and lindsey was hanging out in the screen printing room.
i run up in utter panic pass ing the security guards....after throwing the phone down and begging for assistance.

linds is nowhere to be found. i assume sh eis making out with karen. and i start crying. i run to the security and say. i cut my hand i need to go to the hospital.

"are you kidding me" dumbass mother fucker asks as blood is filling my white paper towel.


an amubulance is mentioned. i think not.

i find lindsey. we leave after surrendering our right so the "supervisor" who has run from "some other location"

"so you are refusing serviec of any kind? you are not allowing us to touch you? you dont wnt an ambulance?" i say NO i'm fine i will go to the hospital myself. thank you.

i am here.

the blond nurse likes me.

she says she wants to bump me to the front.

aka. bump me in the butt. :)

aka. ok kean.

adore. and. value.

to you: i value you so much as well. i want to be immpecable with my word. you are amazing and wonderful. i love who you are and i love you.

i adore you.

i received the following in an email today:

8. import or meaning; force; significance: the value of a word.
9. liking or affection; favorable regard.
10. values, Sociology. the ideals, customs, institutions, etc., of a
society toward which the people of the group have an affective regard.
These values may be positive, as cleanliness, freedom, or education,
or negative, as cruelty, crime, or blasphemy.
11. Ethics. any object or quality desirable as a means or as an end in
itself.
12. Fine Arts.
a. degree of lightness or darkness in a color.
b. the relation of light and shade in a painting, drawing, or the
like.

17. to consider with respect to worth, excellence, usefulness, or
importance.
18. to regard or esteem highly: He values her friendship.



—Synonyms 1. utility. Value, worth imply intrinsic excellence or
desirability. Value is that quality of anything which renders it
desirable or useful: the value of sunlight or good books. Worth
implies esp. spiritual qualities of mind and character, or moral
excellence: Few knew her true worth.


k. i value you. you have value. you are valued. you are valuable.
light and dark, scale from black to white in regaurds to who you are
in every area of your life, you encompass the scale. lots of grey,
lots of light, lots of dark.

mango. yes please....

Introducing the MANGO, the packy that looks great, feels great, and allows you to GO like a MAN! The Mango fills a critical need for pre-op transmen, allowing you to stand and pee, even use a public urinal with confidence, with a penis that functions as close as possible to the real thing. Only the Mango features a receptacle tube that is designed specifically for the FTM anatomy for maximum comfort and leak proof fit.
The Mango is a combination packing and urinary device that is very natural appearing under clothing and can be worn comfortably all day. It allows you to stand and pee with ease and confidence through our unique tube system and completely eliminates the need to use toilet paper. It stays in place under briefs, or you can use the Mango Harness which allows you to wear it under boxers or other loose clothing.

The Mango comes in two sizes, 3 1/2 and 5 1/2 inches, with larger testicles on the 3 1/2 inch model. The outer flesh-like covering is made of soft thermal gel and comes in three colors: pink, coffee, and chocolate. The shaft looks and feels exactly like a flaccid penis and is realistic enough to pass at the urinal.

The key to the Mango's superior performance over other pack and pee devices is the (patent pending) Man-go receptacle tube. Two years of development and testing went into making this the most comfortable, easy to use, and leak proof device of its kind. Unlike other packers which use parts that are not intended for this purpose, the Man-go tube was designed specifically for the FTM anatomy.

The Man-go tube is made of medical grade plastic that is smooth to the touch and somewhat pliable, with rounded edges for comfort. The cupped design prevents overflow and leaking, and at 1 3/4" length x 1" diameter, it is sleek and unobtrusive under clothes. The tubes are custom made for Mango Products by a company that manufactures medical components, for guaranteed uniformity and highest quality.

The internal urinary tube, running through the shaft, is made of flexible medical grade latex or silicone. It is wider at the beginning of the shaft so you can urinate full force, and narrower at the tip to create a natural size opening that produces a steady stream of urine. It comes in a standard length, in which the receptacle tube is worn upright (pictured with the 3 1/2" coffee and 5 1/2" pink models), or slightly longer so the receptacle end can bend sideways or be tucked down under the testicles (pictured with the 3 1/2" pink model).



Note: The longer tube tucked under the testicles is not recommended for use with the harness and boxers, as it creates a full erection with the 3 1/2" model and a partial erection with the 5 1/2". Briefs keep this under control.)

N.B. The 5 1/2" model is rather large for everyday packing; for most guys we recommend the 3 1/2" model.

Detailed instructions for care and use are included with every Mango.

proof.

i am not the person to get into a serious relationship with. ugh.

i'm not. i know that.

i mean. i think there are plenty of woman who would stand by that. i have embraced that recently. "i am so not that person" i say.

well fuck that. i can be, right? i mean right? if i wanted to be? or really wanted to be? i understand the doubt. i get that feeling of doubting my words. because my words mean NOTHING. i get that. my whole life words have meant nothign they are meaningless...to and from me.

where is the balance of love. where is the time that will bring me that feeling. of not settling and not wandering. just being with somebody and loving that. is it possible that i really just cannot do that???

god. i have lied about feeling that way. pretending i feel that way when i dont. i have also been honest about that feeling more than i have lied. yet i am still doubted. completely disregarded. like i am inept to that feelilng. like i am incapable of resistance. i am trusted in disbelief. i am given too many chances not to succeed.

i have figured out that love isnt enough. i totally get that know. i loved dillan wiht every single pore of my body and it wasnt enough to make it work and keep my eyes and hands from wandering.

but can my desire be enough? i think that if i want something bad enough i can make it focused and fulfiling.

what about faith. where does that come in. i mean can i have faith that i will be enough for somebody.

"i accept you for who are today". well RIGHT. we have to. but does that mean that my emotions are discounted. and not trusted. like what i say is invalid because there is no faith in my actions.

i dont get it.

i mean this isnt directed at you. you just sparked this inside of me. and i feel as though i am being forced to look at what the fuck is up with me.

not in a bad way. just realisticly.

how do i feel what i want when i am terrified of my actions??

porcelain penises do not cum.

constellation.

photo body constellation.

i am not so sure anymore.

to be entirely honest.

different vintages of love.

not illusions that i am left to figure out. to decipher and calculate.

the definition of glue is "an adhesive substance used for sticking objects or materials together"

is my brain trying to tell me that that delusional thought i was hoping was gone...from my perception of people i first meet....is not gone. and in fact is still powerful and cunning? what am i suppose to do to stop that?

how is it possible with all the work i have done to not be the minipulative fuck that i used to be....that i ended up being fooled by you.

fool is defined as "a person who acts unwisely or unprudently"

huh. i guess that is pretty clear.

ahahaha. freeradiosaic.org flyers

listen to my show.