proof.

i am not the person to get into a serious relationship with. ugh.

i'm not. i know that.

i mean. i think there are plenty of woman who would stand by that. i have embraced that recently. "i am so not that person" i say.

well fuck that. i can be, right? i mean right? if i wanted to be? or really wanted to be? i understand the doubt. i get that feeling of doubting my words. because my words mean NOTHING. i get that. my whole life words have meant nothign they are meaningless...to and from me.

where is the balance of love. where is the time that will bring me that feeling. of not settling and not wandering. just being with somebody and loving that. is it possible that i really just cannot do that???

god. i have lied about feeling that way. pretending i feel that way when i dont. i have also been honest about that feeling more than i have lied. yet i am still doubted. completely disregarded. like i am inept to that feelilng. like i am incapable of resistance. i am trusted in disbelief. i am given too many chances not to succeed.

i have figured out that love isnt enough. i totally get that know. i loved dillan wiht every single pore of my body and it wasnt enough to make it work and keep my eyes and hands from wandering.

but can my desire be enough? i think that if i want something bad enough i can make it focused and fulfiling.

what about faith. where does that come in. i mean can i have faith that i will be enough for somebody.

"i accept you for who are today". well RIGHT. we have to. but does that mean that my emotions are discounted. and not trusted. like what i say is invalid because there is no faith in my actions.

i dont get it.

i mean this isnt directed at you. you just sparked this inside of me. and i feel as though i am being forced to look at what the fuck is up with me.

not in a bad way. just realisticly.

how do i feel what i want when i am terrified of my actions??