......kisss......
friday night. spin the bottle. um, i have no excuse. i was stone cold sober. them, not so much.
Saturday, January 27
Sunday, January 21
Saturday, January 20
Tuesday, January 16
tuesday night
i have not felt until now.
death that is.
it has become surreal.
15 deaths since i was 15. what is that. like 7 years. we're looking at 2 a year.
this past year was dagny and vito.
dagny. dead december 12 2005. 21
vito dead septmber 12 2006. 22
michelle speaking. vocal. somehow pushed the plug out of my heart and into my brain. it was a plunge of sorts. allowing feeling into my brain and connection to my heart.
i didnt get it until now.
i have played back what he looked like dead. hanging from his room. where in his room. terry (his mother) finding him. what he looked like. eyes buldging out of his head. kkkkkkkk
the dispondence i felt when i found out
.
the lack of closure. the lack of feeling.
i had no funeral
not that that is closure
just real
it creates a community of pain and realness
too much.
it's fresh
i have not felt this before
at all
it's like a new wound
one i ignored
like paula says i let the bandage rot off.
but this time ididnt even acknowledge that the would exsisted.
not even a little bit
i need space. ox-bow is not the place to get that. no way
not here. not until friday at the earliest.
but will i pack that tunnel back up with undeveloped thought by then
and be sent back into grief
anxiety attached to my heart
fear of what
the constant flow of feeling is getting me nowhere.
i have been locked in the girls bathroom next to the dining hall for approx. 15 min.
nobody has knocked and i hope they do not. ever. knock
i have made molds and casts of penises. i have built a penis vessel. i have casted "missy with vase". and i have made landscape paintings of of porcelain and glaze.
it's been 17 minutes.
where else can i go other than here
the porch. too cold
the dining hall. annoying
this place is great. really. i can here the flushing of the toilet next to me. the water and soap washing the dirt of people off
lindsey is ichatting me. no. i'm not intersted in talking
the random chinese girl i have never spoken to just kicked me out of the bathroom.
rather she knocked. i instinctually answered. opened the door to find me sitting on the floor computer in hand. and she looked at me in her 18 year old questioning face. i say i need to be a lone. she says she needs to pee. i say use the other bathroom. she says it says "men" i say you look like a man. so i get up reluctantly and leave. back to the dining hall and now upstairs.
death that is.
it has become surreal.
15 deaths since i was 15. what is that. like 7 years. we're looking at 2 a year.
this past year was dagny and vito.
dagny. dead december 12 2005. 21
vito dead septmber 12 2006. 22
michelle speaking. vocal. somehow pushed the plug out of my heart and into my brain. it was a plunge of sorts. allowing feeling into my brain and connection to my heart.
i didnt get it until now.
i have played back what he looked like dead. hanging from his room. where in his room. terry (his mother) finding him. what he looked like. eyes buldging out of his head. kkkkkkkk
the dispondence i felt when i found out
.
the lack of closure. the lack of feeling.
i had no funeral
not that that is closure
just real
it creates a community of pain and realness
too much.
it's fresh
i have not felt this before
at all
it's like a new wound
one i ignored
like paula says i let the bandage rot off.
but this time ididnt even acknowledge that the would exsisted.
not even a little bit
i need space. ox-bow is not the place to get that. no way
not here. not until friday at the earliest.
but will i pack that tunnel back up with undeveloped thought by then
and be sent back into grief
anxiety attached to my heart
fear of what
the constant flow of feeling is getting me nowhere.
i have been locked in the girls bathroom next to the dining hall for approx. 15 min.
nobody has knocked and i hope they do not. ever. knock
i have made molds and casts of penises. i have built a penis vessel. i have casted "missy with vase". and i have made landscape paintings of of porcelain and glaze.
it's been 17 minutes.
where else can i go other than here
the porch. too cold
the dining hall. annoying
this place is great. really. i can here the flushing of the toilet next to me. the water and soap washing the dirt of people off
lindsey is ichatting me. no. i'm not intersted in talking
the random chinese girl i have never spoken to just kicked me out of the bathroom.
rather she knocked. i instinctually answered. opened the door to find me sitting on the floor computer in hand. and she looked at me in her 18 year old questioning face. i say i need to be a lone. she says she needs to pee. i say use the other bathroom. she says it says "men" i say you look like a man. so i get up reluctantly and leave. back to the dining hall and now upstairs.
Sunday, January 14
email.
im missing you
waiting for my taxi
to whisk me off
i wish i was spending this night with you
it would be better with you
we could've picked up a hottie for the night
well.... you could have
haha
i would point to a good looking lady
you would have done the dirty work
picking up girls is like doing your hair
constant and consistent
ha.
your my favorite.
lvoe
waiting for my taxi
to whisk me off
i wish i was spending this night with you
it would be better with you
we could've picked up a hottie for the night
well.... you could have
haha
i would point to a good looking lady
you would have done the dirty work
picking up girls is like doing your hair
constant and consistent
ha.
your my favorite.
lvoe
Saturday, January 13
Thursday, January 11
played.
richie rich. "the cutest fag on the planet. i love him so much. holy crap. he is like the coolest guy ever. oh my god.he is like the best. woah. so cute and awesome like woah, hello?"
alexio. alex. aelx and my roommate were making out last night until 430am. that was fun.
michelle.
colin. pretty boy. tall, green bean, dangling, scrawny, intelligent, flip-flops, puffy hair, beethoven hair.
the end.
it's not about that.
Wednesday, January 10
fireflys
why are there no fireflys. it's too cold they say. i say boooyaaaah. i dont buy that.
have a thought for a second.
the chefs here are so kind. they have not only been accomadating to my vegan needs but have gone over the top and made me the most amazing dinner EVER! vegan lasagna and garlic bread with olive oil. salad. hmmmmmm. i have lost weight since being here. too much work and too little eating.
gitanjali by tagore.
"I thought that my voyage had come to its end at the last limit of my power,---that the path before me was closed, that provisions were exhausted and the time come to take shelter in a silent obscurity. But i find that thy will knows no end in me. And when old words die out on the tongue, new melodies break forth from the heart; and where the old tracks are lost, new country is revealed with its wonders"
have a thought for a second.
the chefs here are so kind. they have not only been accomadating to my vegan needs but have gone over the top and made me the most amazing dinner EVER! vegan lasagna and garlic bread with olive oil. salad. hmmmmmm. i have lost weight since being here. too much work and too little eating.
gitanjali by tagore.
"I thought that my voyage had come to its end at the last limit of my power,---that the path before me was closed, that provisions were exhausted and the time come to take shelter in a silent obscurity. But i find that thy will knows no end in me. And when old words die out on the tongue, new melodies break forth from the heart; and where the old tracks are lost, new country is revealed with its wonders"
this place.
too much heat makes the begger want to beg.
see the beginning of hottness in the flesh through the shape of the trees against other trees.
vessel of passion come to me and believe in the shapes of space. underneath your skin is the most preferred.
throw a wheel of mud and remake a memory. to begin living a new way
+show to much face and you will have lose.
agoraphobia. hypersensitivity.
\
//////installment of penises///
falicy. definition???
become a true falic object in the performance?
allow others to engage?
add the element of my naked body? implications.=
pretend on the invisible.--
----- believe that it can be seen regardless. my body has no need to be present with the underlying expression.
expression of what?.
take a step back and become the viewer. would you be able to dissect what is happening/
------------------
do not get me wrong. i cannot wait. i need.
------------------
slates of fiberous clay that are broken and shaped. colors?/
==
conceptually there is a detachment between me and the phallic symbol. do i need to make the connection? does the connection even matter? am i interested in sustaining a relationship between my response the the penis or do i want the interaction to be for the viewer and their perception/
phallicy ? definition please.
see the beginning of hottness in the flesh through the shape of the trees against other trees.
vessel of passion come to me and believe in the shapes of space. underneath your skin is the most preferred.
throw a wheel of mud and remake a memory. to begin living a new way
+show to much face and you will have lose.
agoraphobia. hypersensitivity.
\
//////installment of penises///
falicy. definition???
become a true falic object in the performance?
allow others to engage?
add the element of my naked body? implications.=
pretend on the invisible.--
----- believe that it can be seen regardless. my body has no need to be present with the underlying expression.
expression of what?.
take a step back and become the viewer. would you be able to dissect what is happening/
------------------
do not get me wrong. i cannot wait. i need.
------------------
slates of fiberous clay that are broken and shaped. colors?/
==
conceptually there is a detachment between me and the phallic symbol. do i need to make the connection? does the connection even matter? am i interested in sustaining a relationship between my response the the penis or do i want the interaction to be for the viewer and their perception/
phallicy ? definition please.
Tuesday, January 9
manifestion.
The firm thought that comes in the sustained moment.
Capture the inevitaable ability to feel the pain while detaching from reality and creating a false expression of time. Displacment of hearing and yearning for captivity. Just believe in the separation between the sexual experience and the desire.
This is to pronounce the facility of gender in the process of self discovery.
Surrealism is loaded. Besides forming the fantastical representaion of the subconscious thought; it is my experience at ox-bow.
It has taken me 4 days to write a blog. For the simple fact that I have spent 13 hrs a day in the studio making porcelin and clay penises.
Capture the inevitaable ability to feel the pain while detaching from reality and creating a false expression of time. Displacment of hearing and yearning for captivity. Just believe in the separation between the sexual experience and the desire.
This is to pronounce the facility of gender in the process of self discovery.
Surrealism is loaded. Besides forming the fantastical representaion of the subconscious thought; it is my experience at ox-bow.
It has taken me 4 days to write a blog. For the simple fact that I have spent 13 hrs a day in the studio making porcelin and clay penises.
Tuesday, January 2
day 8,030. year 2007.
sarasota, FL. = "Rolling white-sand beaches and sparkling azure waters combine with a sophistication and charm to make Sarasota the gem of Florida’s Gulf Coast. The endless array of activities and the exhilarating mixture of attractions, restaurants, shopping, and accommodations are a sure fit for any travele" (www.sarasotafl.org).
this is what we did...
