tuesday night
i have not felt until now.
death that is.
it has become surreal.
15 deaths since i was 15. what is that. like 7 years. we're looking at 2 a year.
this past year was dagny and vito.
dagny. dead december 12 2005. 21
vito dead septmber 12 2006. 22
michelle speaking. vocal. somehow pushed the plug out of my heart and into my brain. it was a plunge of sorts. allowing feeling into my brain and connection to my heart.
i didnt get it until now.
i have played back what he looked like dead. hanging from his room. where in his room. terry (his mother) finding him. what he looked like. eyes buldging out of his head. kkkkkkkk
the dispondence i felt when i found out
.
the lack of closure. the lack of feeling.
i had no funeral
not that that is closure
just real
it creates a community of pain and realness
too much.
it's fresh
i have not felt this before
at all
it's like a new wound
one i ignored
like paula says i let the bandage rot off.
but this time ididnt even acknowledge that the would exsisted.
not even a little bit
i need space. ox-bow is not the place to get that. no way
not here. not until friday at the earliest.
but will i pack that tunnel back up with undeveloped thought by then
and be sent back into grief
anxiety attached to my heart
fear of what
the constant flow of feeling is getting me nowhere.
i have been locked in the girls bathroom next to the dining hall for approx. 15 min.
nobody has knocked and i hope they do not. ever. knock
i have made molds and casts of penises. i have built a penis vessel. i have casted "missy with vase". and i have made landscape paintings of of porcelain and glaze.
it's been 17 minutes.
where else can i go other than here
the porch. too cold
the dining hall. annoying
this place is great. really. i can here the flushing of the toilet next to me. the water and soap washing the dirt of people off
lindsey is ichatting me. no. i'm not intersted in talking
the random chinese girl i have never spoken to just kicked me out of the bathroom.
rather she knocked. i instinctually answered. opened the door to find me sitting on the floor computer in hand. and she looked at me in her 18 year old questioning face. i say i need to be a lone. she says she needs to pee. i say use the other bathroom. she says it says "men" i say you look like a man. so i get up reluctantly and leave. back to the dining hall and now upstairs.
death that is.
it has become surreal.
15 deaths since i was 15. what is that. like 7 years. we're looking at 2 a year.
this past year was dagny and vito.
dagny. dead december 12 2005. 21
vito dead septmber 12 2006. 22
michelle speaking. vocal. somehow pushed the plug out of my heart and into my brain. it was a plunge of sorts. allowing feeling into my brain and connection to my heart.
i didnt get it until now.
i have played back what he looked like dead. hanging from his room. where in his room. terry (his mother) finding him. what he looked like. eyes buldging out of his head. kkkkkkkk
the dispondence i felt when i found out
.
the lack of closure. the lack of feeling.
i had no funeral
not that that is closure
just real
it creates a community of pain and realness
too much.
it's fresh
i have not felt this before
at all
it's like a new wound
one i ignored
like paula says i let the bandage rot off.
but this time ididnt even acknowledge that the would exsisted.
not even a little bit
i need space. ox-bow is not the place to get that. no way
not here. not until friday at the earliest.
but will i pack that tunnel back up with undeveloped thought by then
and be sent back into grief
anxiety attached to my heart
fear of what
the constant flow of feeling is getting me nowhere.
i have been locked in the girls bathroom next to the dining hall for approx. 15 min.
nobody has knocked and i hope they do not. ever. knock
i have made molds and casts of penises. i have built a penis vessel. i have casted "missy with vase". and i have made landscape paintings of of porcelain and glaze.
it's been 17 minutes.
where else can i go other than here
the porch. too cold
the dining hall. annoying
this place is great. really. i can here the flushing of the toilet next to me. the water and soap washing the dirt of people off
lindsey is ichatting me. no. i'm not intersted in talking
the random chinese girl i have never spoken to just kicked me out of the bathroom.
rather she knocked. i instinctually answered. opened the door to find me sitting on the floor computer in hand. and she looked at me in her 18 year old questioning face. i say i need to be a lone. she says she needs to pee. i say use the other bathroom. she says it says "men" i say you look like a man. so i get up reluctantly and leave. back to the dining hall and now upstairs.
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